My Big Fat Self

(this blogpost was originally featured on www.potentialbuddha.com)

Just this week I realised that there are so many people (including me) spending so much time trying to find their true passion, the right path, the right job, the right mindstate. Although this isn’t a bad thing –by all means- sometimes it does seem to disconnect us from something so magical: the present moment.

If I look honestly to my own mind for example, searching for my True Passion often is a disguise for a need for resolution. I want to know things, now, so I can make a decision. I build up these storylines about myself that I then use to support decision a. or b. Usually, these are some of the storylines I feed; I’m a generalist, not a specialist, an artist, not an entrepreneur, Alfa, not Beta, etc. You get the point, you probably have your own list. We work HARD on them, right?

Although there is nothing wrong with some honest self research, getting to know your likes and dislikes, it can go too far and get you hooked on one, solid self image. That solidity doesn’t really respect the interconnectedness of your being, or the magic, or the emptiness of your self, as Buddhists refer to it. We call a tree a tree, when it really isn’t; it’s a seed and water, sunlight and leaves and bark, a home for bugs and something to lie under in the shade. It’s not a tree at all when you look closely. It’s the same with us, I’m not Geertje, I’m a clump of cells, atoms, receptors and peptides shooting,  I’m my thoughts, my intentions, my actions, a soul, a daughter, an entrepreneur, etc. It all depends on your perspective.

Yet most of the time, we focus on one slice of reality and make it into our Big Fat Self. Our B.F.S. gets challenged when something goes wrong in our life, when we fall so to speak, emotionally or physically, shaking up our experience! When I literally fall flat on my face or get into an accident, I’m always shocked to find out that I’m a body that clashes with other parts of reality! I’m so convinced in my B.F.S., my consciousness, my idea of “Geertje” that I forget I’m muscles and bones that can tear or break…

Isn’t that interesting? American Buddhist Pema Chödrön wrote a whole book about the art of falling, called “When Things Fall Apart”. She encourages us to not immediately try to ‘put ourselves together’ after we have a breakdown, or when we experience uncertainty or instability. These moments, when we see the bits and pieces of ourselves laying around scattered, we can be incredibly brave by not pasting our B.F.S. back together with our storyline glue. What then happens is a much more direct encounter with our worlds, and with the present moment. Like not saying “tree” to a tree, but really seeing the parts and bugs that it’s made of, we can learn to see the whole of us and others. This creates tremendous space and relief from your B.F.S. What you basically do, is developing trust in the present moment, rather than in your narrow idea about “me”.

PS: This can all be summarised by not taking yourself so seriously ;D!

Yours in falling,

Geertje